I’m not quite sure where to start.. other than to say of course you know the tears began rolling down my face before I wrote the first word..
(deep inhale.. deep exhale..)
Can’t stop crying.. give me a minute..
All day long on Mothers Day.. I was in a bubble.. (tears)..
I’ve been doing a good job of suppressing the pain.. but my heart hurts..
Ma I wish you were here with me.. damn I can’t stop crying..
Ma I need you here with me now.. I need you here with me always..
I never said this before.. but I can’t help but to think I was the reason you left.. I can’t help but think I wasn’t good enough..
I feel like you abandoned me..
need a break.. from writing this.. it hurts..
That pain.. THIS PAIN.. I use it as fuel.. I push myself.. I always push myself.. The blessing and the curse..
But it’s hard for me to love.. when I don’t feel loved but my Mother..
Love is placing others needs before your own.. love is being willing to give anything at anytime to the person you love..
I can’t grasp the concept of how or why you don’t love me..
But I will promise you this.. I won’t ever fail.. I won’t ever be a failure.. I have learned to use my pain as fuel..
I’ve learned to embrace adversity and teach others in the process..
I can’t help but to share what I’ve learned with others.. I can’t help but to want to see everyone succeed..
But the Pain gets overwhelming at times..
When Aunt Dottie died.. my Heart fell through my chest..
Poppy died.. my mirror cracked into a thousand pieces..
Nanny wants to see me but I haven’t been a Man about it.. I feel I let her down.. She should have the best medical care in the world.. She should have the best everything in the world..
This year alone I’ve lost over 10 friends.. but I don’t tell anyone.. I just go harder.. I study more.. I work more..
You taught me to represent US well.. so I try Ma..
I’m hard on myself.. day in and day out.. the perfectionist.. the maestro.. always trying to make people better.. processes better.. me better..
I miss you Ma.. I just wanna lay on your lap and hear your voice.. Is that wrong?
I remember you singing to me every night before bed.. Carnegie Hall performances in my bedroom..
Now my Princess Sanaa is a superstar.. All she wants to do is sing and perform Ma.. you should see Her.. She’s so awesome.. I love her so much.. thinking about her always makes everything better.. She is my Shining Star.. I’m sure She will accomplish everything she sets her mind too..
Khalik.. My First Born Son on the other hand.. isn’t feeling the Prince concept.. He is definitely a King.. we clash at times.. as Kings do.. but I’m so proud of Him.. He’s tall and good looking.. Confident and Intelligent.. far better than I was at that age.. He will definitely be A KING AMONGST MEN.
My children have a Mother who would do anything in the world for them and that makes me extremely happy.. The love I see between them is Perfect in every since of the word.. I wish we had that..
I wish I was better.. I will be better.. I work endlessly to get better.
I hope to make you proud one day Ma.. I hope to make you proud.. You embedded a Kings Soul into me and everyday I strive to live up to your expectations..
I just wish you were here.. I wish we were together.. I wish I could hug you anytime I wanted to.. I just wanna be next to you..
You always said.. “Until our relationship is right.. I would never be able to love another Woman.. There’s nothing like the bond between a Mother and her first born Son..”
Come home Ma.. tears.. come home Ma.. COME HOME MA!!!!
Happy Mother’s Day Ma.. maybe one day.. we can spend it together..